| So first of all; Thanks for the few who read this :). Sorry that its always negative things I write on here, just kinda seems like I never want to write unless I feel something strong, and it always seems to be downers. lol Very soon I'll write a posistive one; unforch not today lol My heart hurts................ a lot........................... not exactly sure the precise cause. But last night I opened up some old love letters and my heart just broke. Not so much for the person who wrote them but for what he wrote. I know we weren't suposed to be married, or together, but the words he wrote expressed the desire to do so. Just to be w/ me forever, to cherish me...... he actually took the time to list what he loved about me and how much closer he was to God, for just being around me His exact words were; " I love every second of being with you, because when I am around you, I can see Christ exploding out of every action, every word". <-------- thats who I used to be to someone, to anyone. He had so much faith in me, so many encouraging words about the "woman of God " he loved..wanted to marry. Now its like im searching, so hard to be encouraged instead of encouraging others. I dont feel so much like a vessel I once was. Im scraping at any straw to be looked at as beautiful, whenever I only need to worry about what God thinks And right now he's disappointed. I know Im hurting Him, daily... yet do I repent and turn. No. Yes I know we have a sin nature, but we are not to stay in that sin nature and dwell in it, not even trying to reach for help. It's like that Shawn Mcdonald song; " why do I do the very thing that hurts you?" The One, the Savior, My KING loves me more than any man,woman or child could........... pray I find my peace, love, worth in Him. Im SICK OF RELIGION----------------- I want to restore my relationship... only I can do that though. I'm the only one who can change, with God's help from the inside out. I look back at my journal and I dont even know that girl anymore.... that girl who was respected and most of all respected herself. Who KNEW she was worth more, who KNEW she was loved by the CREATOR of the Universe!!!! My life verse was to not hope in man, but to find the hope only in Christ. Im not going to make it pretty and write in Christian"eze". LIke; Oh I am just "STRUGGLING" with my fiath. STRUGGLING are u kidding me? Right now its more than a struggle, its a battle. A Battle to do whats right, a battle to love myself, and to Love my Creator, even though I dont know His plan. TO TRUST HIM...... I will be loved i will be persued i will be respected and cherished I will be patient for who/what God Has for me |
